"Cucumber Dog"

Jakub was returning from the pub when he stumbled upon a stray. Normally he'd just kick it and stumble forward but this thing had a toxic-green knapsack and was somehow resilient to his multiple kicks.

"Kurde, what was I drinking?", he muttered to himself, "I'm supposed to be seeing white mice and/or elephants, not poodles with backpacks."
"I am on a journey looking for Ass, Potatoes, & Cucumbers. Can you assist me?", responded the dog.

There were, however, two problems. First, the dog's voice was rather high-pitched and quiet. That was quickly fixed by Jakub stumbling and falling upon a bump in the road and the dog utilising that opportunity to repeat its line. The second, however, was much greater – Jakub understood not a word of English. He recognised that the dog spoke the language, though, as that sounded rather similarly to what his grandson tried to teach him over the summer holidays. He struggled for a Very Long While as he searched for a single word of English his grandson managed to teach him. It was proving elusive, until...

"Okej", that was the only word he could remeber in this state.
"Magnificent. I'll just follow you, then", the dog responded, not that Jakub understood. Or, for that matter, listened at all.
"Okej", Jakub confirmed again.
The dog was still babbling but Jakub cut it out and forced himself to attempt to walk in a roughly straight line. The dog, thankfully, followed.

By the time he arrived at his house Jakub was sober enough to regain the nimbleness of his fingers. He pulled out his trusty brake cord with a loop on the end, and, like many before, made short work of the dog.
Assessing his haul, he nodded affirmatively: a couple days' worth of fresh meat and an unused toxic-green knapsack, a perfect gift for his grandson when he comes over for holidays.


This is based upon Andrzej Pilipiuk's book series about Jakub Wędrowycz.


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